docfoul | ⓪③ ; He is already here

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⓪③ ; He is already here

At times, my omniscience allows me to experience a sensation very few of you could possibly understand. That being the case, I will not even try to explain it to you.

Today is an excellent day.

Would anyone care for some candy? I have your favorite.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

....You're not a craps ball?

[Goodness, no.]

Well, anyway. [He'll munch on another one, since the supply is unlimited.] This place means a chance for you to stay alive, right? That's pretty lucky, even just getting a chance to change fate.

[Therein lies the problem, Greed.
You see... I am looking forward to my death.]

[Crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch.] Is yer life that miserable?

[There will come a time when I will have done everything I need to. I will be perfectly content dying then, but not one moment before that.]

What about what you want to do?

[What I described above and what I wish to do are not very different.]

Are they different at all? [Munch munch.]

[No.
Once again, clever, Greed.]

[Munch crunch.] What is?

[You went straight to the point. Not everyone would.]

Hnn... [He gets the feeling he's being kissed up to, but he enjoys that.] Anyway, that means yer leavin' out somethin'. You said the process you described ain't that different from what you want, but what's gonna happen is just what you want. So you didn't go over the whole process. Not exactly.

[I have covered the essentials. The minutiae would bore you, and I can't exactly keep speaking with you forever, after all.]

I can't really help you out without knowin' what's goin' on, but if yer not interested in my help, I'll just take more stuff.

[I know how much you despise speaking with those who keep circling endlessly around the crux of the matter. I will keep this concise:
The community's intermission, as it lies in my most inscrutable dark pockets, might terminate your supply of candy - and who knows what else - without any warning.]

It's also the thing that makes it possible to get my candy. And a lotta other good things. It's pretty much the best thing I've gotten in years!

[Not everyone can say the same.
Your butler, for instance, would not.]

Are you kidding, the guy loves me.

[And yet, he hates what you represent.
Don't take it personally, though. He does like you.]

He can hate symbols all he wants. I ain't a symbol any more than he's a pink shell on card stock. It's artsy, distinguished to have a little uneasiness about simple stuff, to make it a little complicated. It's no-vo richie. [He probably means nouveau riche.]

[If Scratch could smirk, he would be doing that right now.]

[Anyhow, believe me when I say I understand the gratitude that you and others might have to the community. But to a great part of its users... it is a hindrance.]

Don't get the wrong idea. It's a hindrance to me, too sometimes. Ever got a guy pregnant? I have. I could've gone my whole life without thinkin' about his tits getting bigger 'cause he got knocked up, no matter how hot a babe he was at the time. And you know, trips to Greece ain't as fun as you'd think. I might've got a dog out of the whole thing, but do you know why I got a dog during that virus? Or having my shit--mine, the greediest Greed--end up in other people's hands just because...

[Good, you understand.

You see, Greed, I am my world's first guardian. It is my task to ensure that everything in it goes as it should.]

Oh. Good work.

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